Beneath the Moon Hot

 
Beneath the Moon
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4.8 (3)
Beneath the Moon

“Sitting here ‘neath moon-lit sky
Tell me child for whom do you cry?”
The angel asked, from behind wings of gold.
“In your heart I see things thought but not told”

With a huge gasp of air, I sob for mankind
As so many problems whirled through my mind.
“It appears I am weeping more every year
And feel the pain of those so full of fear.

“My tears are the innocents lost and hurt every day
Due to ivory towered decisions made from so far away.
For the precious lives stolen of those who serve
To protect our beliefs with honour and verve.

“I weep for the loss of compassion in some of my kind,
Especially for the leaders who rule us, who seem so blind.
The wisdom and empathy to make world peace ours
Appears to have been lost with the passing of hours.”

She spread her divine wings, so her face I could see,
And with tears in her eyes whispered unto me,
“In Heaven we feel the earth’s agony too, my Dove.
It is time I remind these leaders, God’s answer is love!”

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Written by :

KymJade
 

Editor reviews

 
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I like the theme, the tone and the pace of this poem. Technically, it is good, but could be better.The use of many quotes is both distracting and confusing. I think you could minimize them. Also, there are spag issues, mostly to do with punctuation.

Some detailed critique below---


“Sitting here ‘neath moon-lit sky
Tell me child(,) for whom do you cry?”
(t)The angel asked, from behind wings of gold.
“In your heart I see things thought but not told(.)”

With a huge gasp of air, I sob for mankind
As so many problems whirled through my mind.
“(NO ")It appears I am weeping more every year
And feel the pain of those so full of fear. (The word SO is overused and thus ends up as a 'filler' word. I suggest trimming it out here)

“(NO ")My tears are the innocents lost and hurt every day (A BIT LONG COMPARED TO OTHER LINES)
Due to ivory towered(ivory-towered) decisions made from so far away.(is SO needed here?)
For the precious lives stolen of those who serve
To protect our beliefs with honour and verve.

“(NO ")I weep for the loss of compassion in some of my kind,(Long line---maybe trim 'some of' off?)
Especially for the leaders who rule us, who seem so blind. (Trim SO)
The wisdom and empathy to make world peace ours
Appears to have been lost with the passing of hours.” (Passive voice weakens this line. Maybe try active voice?---"Appears lost with the passing of hours")

She spread her divine wings,(no ,) so her face I could see,
And with tears in her eyes(,) whispered unto me,
“In Heaven we feel the earth’s agony too, my Dove.
It is time I remind these leaders, God’s answer is love!”

I love the message of closing lines, though must admit the rhyme love and above is cliche and this weakens the poem for me. I used to use it too! But love and above might be one of the most used rhyme pairs in history, and have lost their power because of that. Choosing a fresher rhyme pair to convey the same meaning would elevate this poem another notch.

The rhyme serve and verve is a good example of fresh and original rhyming.

The theme is inspiring and well delivered, but the crafting and phrasing have room for refinement. Hope you find this helpful! :)

 
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I liked yorur poem but do have some constructive critques for you if you are open to them for example:
"Neath" is a word in its own right, listed separately in dictionaries, and does not require an apostrophe before it as a shortening of "beneath."


the meter felt off to me...
for instance in this couplet

The angel asked, from behind wings of gold.
“In your heart I see things thought but not told”

The angel asked, behind wings of gold.
“Your heart sees things thought, yet not told”

then again that could be wrong too... I am NO expert just some suggestions. Love the idea of thoughts not told-

I am can be shortened to the contraction I'm to better improve meter when needed
also the word SO is not needed manytimes and just say seem blind not so blind or far away not so far away.

YOUR message is fantastic- your heart is that of a poetic soul- and I do think you are talented. Write on and often dear one- Di



 
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Great poem!

 
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My My My... loved the poem and the pic...

Liked its flow and meaning

“In your heart I see things thought, but not yet told"
my only suggestion

so again this review thing needs a little tweeking

Owner's reply

Hi,

Thank you for your review. We took your suggestion in to an edit.

 
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