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4.2 |
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4.6 (1) |
Amazed, my brothers and I,
to its beauty and why, we,
now a group,
the fortunate ones,
have been given such a view as we,
my brothers and all, sit,
sipping tales of the sea,
pirates, gold, mermaids bold,
with silken hair, fair, innocent,
fine buttoned shirts, undone,
and our tattered dreams, hopes, pending on time,
as we, my brothers and I,
now a group, lean resting, on time...
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Reviewed by Integrity
I really like the imagery, theme and message, and I love some of your fine phrasing as well. However, I feel distracted by comma clutter, run on sentences and spag issues.
Nits and suggestions--
**to its beauty and why,(NO ,) we,
**my brothers and all, sit,(no ,)
**sipping tales of the sea,(maybe dash?) Loved this line!
**now a group, lean resting,(no ,) on time...
Praises--
--NICE INTERNAL RHYMING HERE--
pirates, gold, mermaids bold,
and
with silken hair, fair, innocent,
and nice assonance too--
fine buttoned shirts, undone,
In general, I like the way this flows but in some places it is choppy due to sentence structure and over use of commas.
i love the idea and the closing line.
A good work, just needs some tweaking and fine tuning.
Warmly, rama devi
Reviewed by Diny123
GREAT picture- and I really like the way you did the repeating My brothers and I line... Was not too sure why this was in the romabnce section- maybe the line about unbuttoned shirts?- haha
this line
and our tattered dreams, hopes, pending on time,
I thought would be more dramatic had it stopped at pending so that the final word - time was not repeated so close together.
haunting feeling to this too- Write ON!-Di
