Nature Father Sleeps
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4.3 |
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4.9 (2) |
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Reviewed by Integrity
Love the opening--
Words will bridge
and on a bridge I strolled
I like your repetition of bridge---good cadence as well.
'swaying'
yet staying--nice random rhyme
The mood and tone of this is good. It manages to convey a sense of place and relationship to the scene, but the image of father sleeping is ambiguous. Do you mean to imply 'Father time'? That is my interpretation.
Some nits and suggestions to note--
the wind does blow-- I always find it a stumble to use DOES with a verb. It sounds forced and awkward. Why not say 'the wind blows' or if you want one more syllable, use an adjective. For example, 'the wind blows cold' or 'the cool wind blows'
and how it does ---maybe use 'blows' rather than 'does' as the repeating word.
Swing trees
root(ed) in time.(comma would make more sense here)
(s)Spread wide
and shade our roof,(no , needed here, grammatically, and the pause is already effected by the line break)
Overall,an enjoyable read. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Warmly,
rama devi
Reviewed by Diny123
OH how peacful when father sleeps- WOW this could be so metaphorical and spiritual or actually realistic and scary- such as when a true person sleeps that is an abuser- but to long for a peace.
This is a rather delightful freethought flowing verse- with no set meter or structure you let it stand in this time for all to read as they see need to- brillant!
I did like some of your internal ryhmings too- WRITE ON!- Di
Reviewed by YardleSeems like a mood piece which comes across in this easy to read poem. There is also this inter self voice that calls. Nicely done. Yardle
